Post #3 (Now and Next)

Finally, it is done. My first book, The Land of Many Tales, is officially out! You can now get it in paperback, hardcover, or eBook—all available on Amazon! 

So, I am officially an author. A self-published author. And yet…I do not feel like one. Not while I was writing the stories of Naikirin, and not even when I finally uploaded them online. I thought the feeling would hit when my book appeared on Amazon, but I still feel kind of the same. Maybe it will come once people start buying it? But how many copies will it take? A hundred? A thousand? A billion? Every copy?

To be honest, I thought it would feel special. But it does not. I just…published the book. It is not that I feel sad or disappointed or like I have underachieved. I am pleased. And relieved. Truly, I am. This is a big milestone for me, after all. The first milestone on my Way to becoming who I want to be.

But I can also feel that something has died within me.

Yes, there is a lingering sense of melancholy. It has been building for some time, ever since I began the final review. At first, I did not recognize it, thinking it was just the stress and exhaustion that had built up over months and months of work and writing.

Architect by day, writer by night.

But why do I feel that way?

I am not sure. Perhaps it is the sadness of realizing that the days of writing my very first book are now behind me. Those times when I would rush home from my day job just to steal an extra 20 minutes to work on it. Instances when I would spend every second on thinking about it. And the moments when I would cancel plans with friends, making up excuses or saying I was not feeling well. I even skipped gym days—though not too often (oh no).

It took me almost a year and a half to finish The Land of Many Tales, from the first sentence to the final review. The first story I started working on was The Play. I wrote the entire Master’s precept that Orina Tireo ponders over in one go.

Oh, and by the way—Orina was originally a boy in the first draft.

Yes, there were so many things I added and deleted and altered and changed along the Way that the final book feels much different from its original conception. But I have grown as a person and learned so much about the writing process and all of the hardships that come with it. And the world of Naikirin grew along with me, no doubt.

But the first idea—the Spark I felt when I started writing these stories—is still the same. It remains intact.

There is no team of professionals standing behind me. No bearded men or seasoned women guiding me through the process, step by step. Every choice I made I made on my own. Of course, it is impossible to do everything myself—I did hire freelancers to edit and proofread the book, design the cover, create a logo for the website. Maybe something else I cannot quite remember. But that is about it.

One of the reasons is that I wanted to do as much as possible by myself. I find it interesting to learn new skills, even at a novice level. Another reason is that I simply do not have the resources to hire a team of professionals. They would help me tremendously, though, and many tasks would become easier, allowing me to focus on writing without being distracted.

But the main reason is that I want to be accountable for what I am doing. Becoming an author is my dream, and if something goes wrong, I do not want the opportunity to blame anyone else—just to sit down and tell myself, ‘That is all your fault, Tim. Be better next time.’

Those moments are lived by me. They come alive with me. That is what life is. Am I wrong?

Yes, as I write all this, I become more convinced that it will be nearly impossible for me to think of myself as a legitimate author.

The self-proclaimed imposter? The one who substitutes notions? The delirious kid who thought he could level up with the Overlords?

Sure. Absolutely. Why not? Some of that is even true, if not all of it.

But does it even matter?

I do not care too much about how people view me, if I am being real. Not because I think I am better or cooler, but because I respect every opinion about me—whatever that opinion may be. After all, who am I to judge myself? How can I possibly form an objective opinion about myself or reflect on my work to determine whether it is good or bad?

But what I can do is focus on the work. And make people notice me. And that is precisely what I will do. I will work hard. Be sure about that.

Yes, now I realize that I feel blue because I am not writing. And all I want to do is continue writing. Of course, I need to promote The Land of Many Tales to ensure it does not fade into obscurity. Marketing and social media have never been my strong suits, but I will do my best. Maybe you could help me?

But I also want to start my next book as soon as possible—not just to write this post. I already have an idea, and while I cannot say how good it is, I know I love it. It wakes me up at night and makes me smile as I struggle to fall asleep again, unable to stop thinking about it and considering different paths to shape it. To make it perfect.

Perhaps I will share more about it another time, once I have organized my thoughts and am able to explain my own ideas—at least to myself. The only thing I can say right now is that it will be a detective novel.

Four Nights in Eden.